@silvertongue37: Does anyone ever spiral into control?
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@daryl_licked: My girlfriend's daughter was laying across my legs. Me: What am I a pillow now? Her: Yep, and pillows don't talk. I think we're bonding.
@ilovepie84: I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled "fountain of youth" right next to him.
@prawn_meat: if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you "where's the fire" you can just make up an address. they don't have a list of current fires.