Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
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I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
True
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.