Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
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I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
he looks great for his age
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.