@ieatanddrink: Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
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@maisonshouting: [on the phone] HER: are you chillin? ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
@omically: Honey, I'm afraid we can't get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay. *looks at Xbox* Thank you sir. You've changed my life.
@WilliamRodgers: Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green? Batman: You're the decoy