Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
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*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
thanksgiving should be called feaster
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
Awesome parenting 😂
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Fights fire with marshmallows
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
goldfish mafia
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut