“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
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COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
(Gaming support cat.)
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?