“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
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It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
What my back needs
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.