Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
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I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
Tastes like chicken.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?