Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
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*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
tell em, edith-anne
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
dutch is not a serious language
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science