Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
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Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.