Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
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I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
Not today, today.
Not today.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.