Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
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ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
Try and stop me.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad