Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
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[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Meow