Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
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Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext