Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
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Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
bugs when you lift up a rock
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
mom had nothing to worry about
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring