Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
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*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM