Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
You Might Also Like
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
A short story about romance.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over