“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
You Might Also Like
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
My work here is don’t.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.