MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
You Might Also Like
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”