My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
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Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”