Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
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The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
Bond. Trauma bond.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
My dog learned how to text
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.