Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
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I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.