*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
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What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
Mornin
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what