[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
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Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”