[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
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No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi