When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
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Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
thanksgiving in nutshell
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
April 1st is the class clown of days.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
Them: You should try keto
Me:
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.