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@mishakey: DOES HOLY WATER WORK ON OBNOXIOUS CHILDREN
@chrissyteigen: I am so lazy I thought about looking at the super moon and decided 2033 isn't even that far away
@illTortuga: I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
@RainbowJohnJ: Always a housemaid, never a house.
@_NTFG_: My friend left his laptap on the floor in my living room. My other friend thought it was a scale. Conclusion: She weighs $950.
@ElKnuckelhombre: Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop...now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I'm dealing with here?