COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
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My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
that colleague who touches your screen
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
Plumber: I think I found the problem
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!