Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
You Might Also Like
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
me logging onto twitter
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.