Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
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[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
I hate my earbuds.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”