“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
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Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?