me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
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I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories