Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
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Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*