*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
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Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Reporter: *ports again*
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.