*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
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Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
getting old is fun