The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
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Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself