[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
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My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
Meow
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!