@RealSugarFree: Does the 5 second rule count for a baby? Asking for... Nevermind, her mom picked her up.
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@AaronFullerton: USA: "Hey nachos, today's your big day!" Nachos: "What about Cinco de Mayo?" USA: "What'd you just say?" Nachos: "Nothing."
@KalvinMacleod: [lips on a snake] WIFE: what are you doing? ME: getting rid of the poison WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite SNAKE: leave him alone
@_SingleBabyMama: You don't realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.