@RealSugarFree: Does the 5 second rule count for a baby? Asking for... Nevermind, her mom picked her up.
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@Maxine12339: Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant - you can only hide it for so long.
@ConanOBrien: Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
@MikeCanRant: There are shockingly few security guards at dog shows. You can run out and pet 4 or 5 dogs before they catch you. Last time I pet 8 of them.
@ranndrew: "How'd the date go?" Not good. Too many red flags. *Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags* I think she might be a communist.