Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
You Might Also Like
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.