Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
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Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
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I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
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Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
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Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.