You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
You Might Also Like
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.