I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
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When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”