Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
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medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.