Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
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My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.