Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
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Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.