Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
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When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
j o i m p
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.