Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
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Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
#gardening
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts