“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
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barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.