@heatherjs: Does your wife know you're single?
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@MarkAFuqua_Hunt: After many years I've realized I'm allergic to beer. It causes me to break out in places. Places I have no idea how to get home from.
@MarlonBrandNO: [Baby trying to say first words] Baby: b..bu Me: cmon son Baby: bu..bu..s Wife: Yes sweetheart Baby: Bush did 9/11 Me[tearing up]: He knows
@UncleDuke1969: Brain: Compliment her eyes Me: Yeah? Brain: Trust me "YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY'RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO." Brain: Perfect!