Does your wife know you’re single?
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Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
For the orator and chef in all of us
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.