Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
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Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
nyc:
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare