“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
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My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
the #horror is real!
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?