*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
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Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
what’s the point then??
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
🤔😂😂
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose